Friday, October 19, 2012

Notes on music.

Living far away from city radio stations that spoon feed me music and work days that involve hours and hours driving through vast land has inspired me to start seeking out music to narrate the landscape fleeting past.  My digging has led me closer to the leading edge of new, trendy music, making me wonder if it is the music itself I am drawn to, or the fact that it is being presented by radio stations and music geeks as the next cool thing.

Now, that thought is causing me to develop an interactive and critical opinion of the music I am sifting through.  Do I agree with the music geek’s opinions?  Does it resonate with me personally?  What types of instruments and sounds am I drawn to?  After considering these questions only momentarily, it is clear that music appeals to each person in a unique way, leading me to develop a fine sense of the music I like, not necessarily what is the next cool thing.  I do agree with many of the latest cool bands, let’s call them the Mumford expansion, but am discovering I am especially drawn to deep, hopeful, soulful music, as I can best describe using only my burgeoning music language.

This relates back to an impression I got from somewhere, that interpreting art provides a medium for expression with no correct answer.  Next step, develop the ability to actually create it.  This may exceed the limits of my intelligence...

Tuesday, October 16, 2012

Saying it best

All my leaves they fall for you
Are you fallin’ too?
Cause I’m sinkin’ with the northern sun

I don’t know you but I feel you
Do you feel it too?
Sad angel in the first degree
Set yourself free

Take it on faith, my love
Baby just one time,
Bet your life on mine
Take it on faith, my love…

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Comfort in simplicity

I moved to the middle of BC a few months ago, fully expecting a very different culture than the tropical island I came from, and it has not disappointed.  Hunting, fishing, cheap beer, guns, big pickup trucks.  Most people would fall back on the term redneck when describing the culture here.

I have found it very difficult to fit in, but at the same time, as I inevitably adopt the culture, I find it comforting and feel incredibly happy.  It's something to do with being so closely connected to your circle of life, my food is less pretty but more real, I went and collected my own firewood to stay warm for the winter, tv and internet is less reliable and less encumbering, and I spend far less time driving, and worrying about the relative standing of my social status.

I can understand very easily why people here have big trucks and go out shooting moose for entertainment, or make big fires and even why they rip through the mountains on ATVs.  It's a life with less worries, time spent addressing basic needs or relaxing, the comfort in simplicity.

Monday, October 08, 2012

A better career dilemma

I never did become a mountie.  I passed all the tests and they were ready to send me away for training, but my legs wouldn't allow it.  Did they know best?

Now, tantalizingly close to a carefully chosen career that matches my values, strengths, and experiences, I am immersed in what seems like major decisions at the moment, but in the long term will no doubt fade into small, swoopy twists in the path.  There are some decisions to be made in the near future, and keeping sight of the final goal is difficult with such uncertainty and daily questioning of all the variables and possible outcomes.  A wise woman pointed out today, I am in a much better situation that I was even a year ago, and to bravely continue learning and moving forward.

At first, I was desperately upset about not becoming a mountie, then progressed to feeling as though I would be happy either way, to now realizing my legs knew best after all.  The harder path is by far the more fulfilling.  I guess the legs chapter wasn't quite closed after all.

Don't go

Fighting to retain a sense of myself and self respect, yet being pulled down by a feeling I have no desire to control, into a sea of uncertainty and insecurity.  Thrashing at the surface, yet still wondering if the thoughts are matched and willing to drown if they are, the shallow bottom within reach of my feet and knowing I should stand up, but just can't move my feet to the ground.  Just stand up.  Just stand up.

Saturday, October 06, 2012

The elephant

Before exploring more exciting topics, I must explain and then close the chapter of the extended hiatus from writing.  I stopped blogging because the nerve problems in my legs were affecting me to the point where it was all I could think about.  I was struggling to find optimism in such a dark place, and didn't want to pull myself or anyone else any further into it's depths, using writing as an outlet to spiral further and further down.

My legs continue to ache at rest and do the weird pressure/swelling when I am standing at this very moment, but I have learned to manage them and am confident the difficulties they presented are behind me.  Two significant events happened as a result of moving to England to do my Master's, that leaned into the corner and turned the ordeal on a new path.  First of all, mom was concerned about my legs swelling up during the flight over and bought me a pair of compression stockings.  I wore them before I left and found they actually made my legs feel quite a bit better.  I continued wearing them in England, and quickly began a mission to find more of these savior socks, a mission I am refining to this day.  My drawer is now filled with prescription compression stockings for all occasions, and I still get excited when I open up the drawer to pick out a pair that will snug up around my calves and make them feel better.  Secondly, after seeing over 20! different specialists who either didn't care or told me I was nuts, I finally saw a complex regional pain specialist in England who understood the problem and knew exactly what I needed to hear.  He simply said, it is medically possible for what I was describing to be happening and explained exactly how my body could create those sensations.  Next, he said even if they did the invasive tests that could find verify this, there is nothing that can be done to fix it.  He promised me I could do absolutely no harm, and urged me to continue with learning to manage them and get back to my previous activity levels as best as I could.

It turns out, validation of the pain and a gentle push to move forward is exactly what I needed and I haven't looked back.  I started getting back into mountain biking, then running, appreciating them all the more after having the freedom of my body taken away.  It took a few years to get my body and fitness back to where it was pre-legs, but now I finally feel like I am back.  I just did another MOMAR after 6 years away, I can run 1 hour and longer and feel fantastic, and climb up hills on my mountain bike stronger than ever.

The past two years since moving home from England have felt like I keep getting happier and happier, experiencing a joy that I could have never know if it weren't for the darkest days of dealing with the legs.  I don't like talking about it now, I have found that people are averse to hearing about the difficult times of others on such a personal level, and I don't like revisiting the memories either.  I read an article about a year ago on chronic pain and the unfair stigma that comes with it, bringing me to tears as my sensations were validated and I realized I was far from alone, and very far from the worst off.  It has been the most difficult ordeal of my life up until now, showing me I was not as strong as I thought I was and teaching me to be stronger, the pain and struggle giving depth and meaning to my life now that I would have never known otherwise.  The best feeling is, closing this chapter and putting it behind me.

Friday, October 05, 2012

Back.

After over four years off, the blog marches on.  Realizing that it was not school, nor work emails, but blogging that helped me develop writing as an expressive outlet, and inspired by recent new bloggers, I decided it was time to come back.  There have been many thoughts dancing in my head lately, tempting me to coerce them into some sort of comprehensible meaning and lay them to rest.  And so the new era begins.

Monday, June 23, 2008

Hiatus forever

It's true, I have not been posting very much lately. I started blogging as a way to recollect what I had been doing with my time that seemed to disappear into indistinguishable weeks, months, and years, and my interprations and reflections, from my point of view. A journal, with occasional pictures, that I could share with friends anywhere and maybe even help them feel a little bit more normal knowing that other people also feel a little crazy sometimes, courtesy of my blog! While this form of expression was fun for a while and it is interesting to look back on the stories from the past few years, I am now going back to old fashioned email, telephone, or real live coffee....

Peace out :)